I felt as though I had been faithful to the things that God had called me to do and yet I was tired. Simply tired of being tired. Where was my reward? Not that I needed anything big, at that point a let up from the rain on my life would have been nice.
The past fifteen or so years have been tough, and anyone who has been present will attest to that. I’ve been touched by cancer so many times that I should have a bracelet for ones most of you don’t even know exist. I love my son, but autism isn’t exactly a walk in the park. Sometimes, being his mom isn’t easy or fun. I wouldn’t change him for the world, but there are days I would lower his volume.
So, here I was, wondering why God put dreams in my heart that He didn’t seem to want to give me only to give them to other people at the exact time I wanted them to show up. This is one of those times most of my non-Christian friends ask me the same question they’ve been asking me for more than a decade: “given what goes on in your life, why do you still believe in God?”
*cue an old school Larnelle Harris song*
“You were with me when the sun was shinning, and You were still beside me when it rained.”
So back to my day of tears. I cried it out all day Saturday and come Sunday morning, I didn’t feel like going to church AT ALL. Which is EXACTLY why I knew I had to go. We had a moment of talking about the prophetic and were encouraged to give messages to those around us if we felt God’s leading no matter how obscure they seemed. This was written on a note card and given to me: “You are My child. You are loved. My burden is light.”
*cue same song*
So You were in it after all….I don’t know how I could have missed it, Jesus, but you were in it after all…..
Just like that, the Son came out and warmed my heart. And wouldn’t you know it, He wouldn’t stop there. About a week later, a good friend of mine was having a time in her life where she felt like she would never reach the place she wanted to and wanted God to restore her faith so she would get there on that day and go “Aha!!! I get it!!” (or in other words)
So You were in it after all. All of those moments I spent crying, when something inside of me was dying. I didn’t know that You heard me each time I called. You had a reason for those trials. It seems I grow stronger every mile know I know, that You were in it after all.
Sometimes, what we go through isn’t just for us. Ironically enough, that’s part of what I was crying about that Saturday it rained all over my heart. I thought that God put dreams and desires in my heart, not to give them to me, but to burden my heart for others so that through their victories, I could get vicarious joy. I’m not even sure that’s scriptural, but that’s how I felt after some long long moments and feeling really really tired.
* I love this song, don’t you?*
We’re always ready, Lord, to take the glory, but, we’re seldom willing to endure the pain.
To be honest, I’m a little tired of the pain, and I won’t lie to you and say that I’m not. But knowing that He’s in it with me “taking the blows that I’ve been given, tending the wounds that needed mending” makes the rain a little easier to live through. Just knowing that what I go through today may help my wonderful and amazing and beautiful friends tomorrow makes it worth it.
So to you, my dear friends, and even the random strangers who might come across this, if you are tired of the rain and waiting on the Son to shine, know that even if it’s storming, He’s holding the umbrella. Without the rain, there can be no growth. Of course, the same is true for the sun. So don’t worry!!! The clouds will part and the rainbows will be back before you know it.
Until then, splash in the puddles. You never know who is watching you go through you hard times and who needs to see you do it well.
Peace. Love. Music from the 80’s.