I’ve been thinking a lot about trust lately. I suppose much of this has to do with the fact that I – as well as a few of my close friends – have been dealing for a few years with the sickness of a loved one. It’s no secret that my oldest son, Kameron, has autism, nor it is a secret that this can be extremely difficult to deal with. Don’t get me wrong, I love love love my boy, but there are times when it is hard not to think of my life as the one step forward, three step back dance. In these times, as I’m sure is the case with many of you, it can be hard to trust that God is with me and directing this process.
*cue the playlist*
Even though you feel alone
Even though your strength is gone
As your weary heart just tries to hold on
Even if your faith is lost
Even if its hard to trust
In a Lord, that would let the rain fall down
Trust in me now
Trust in me now
Trust in Me Now – Anthony Evans
How often is it that music speaks to our pain in a way that we would not otherwise be able to articulate? For me, that happens frequently (although, I suppose that I have over 1,000 songs on my Blackberry kinda adds to that). This song truly speaks to me because, yeah, there are times when I feel alone. There are times when my son gets a hold of something that he’s not supposed to (he is on an extremely necessary gluten-free diet) and he gets sick and angry that my strength is gone. When he has a panic attack and screams or tantrums, my heart is unbelievably weary and it takes every ounce of God-given grace in me to hold on to the little faith I have that God will see us through this.
“Why do we need this “rain” anyway, God? Wasn’t the cancer enough? This kid is 9 and he’s had five surgeries! Where are You? Why can’t this all just be over?”
This has been a long journey for me, and believe me I have asked those questions so many times. What I’m beginning to realize is that this is my path to walk for a few reasons. First of all, without trial, there would be no reason for trust. Remember going to camp and having to do those trust fall exercises? I hated those!!! I thought that I was too big or someone would drop me on purpose. Every time, I tried to brace myself for the would be inevitable fall and it only made things harder on me and my catcher.
Here’s the thing with God – nothing you carry is too big for Him to catch if you fall back. Philippians 4:19 says, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” Likewise, 2 Corinthians 9:8 says, “And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others”. God is not in the business of building you up just to let you fall. There is a reason that some of things that come to us do – to teach us to trust in the infinite grace of a God that loves you more than there are words to define.
Secondly, trials are for other people. Remember, we’re given everything we need so that we can have plenty left to share with others. There are lessons I’ve learned during my time in being Kameron’s mom that were learned so that my friends who come to me with newly diagnosed kids can avoid some of the things I tried that failed or look into some of the things that worked. Mostly, they don’t feel alone now. They know that I’m on this road with them and that I understand their feelings.
Remember the feeding of the 5,000 found in the gospels? A small boy gave his small lunch to Jesus and it was multiplied because of his faith and trust in Someone bigger than he. The principle is the same with faith and trust. If we can give the little we have to God, He can multiply it so that it is enough for us and those we reach.
There is a reason for all this. Some of it is to add to my story, and some of this will one day be Kameron’s great testimony. In the meantime, I will be encouraged. God knows that this isn’t easy for me. He knows that there are days I cry because I don’t know if I have the strength to keep doing it. He knows that – to be honest – I haven’t a clue how to be this beautiful boy’s mommy. But, even though I sometimes feel alone, even though my strength is gone and I’m just trying to hold on and keep going day by day by day; even though His unmatched love is letting the rain fall down, He will get us through this. He holds all of this in the palm of His hand and He sees the end even though it feels like I’m still only at the beginning.
He’s got this…all I have to do is fall back.