Oh, wow! I still have a blog! I wish I had a better excuse for letting it get so dusty, but, the truth is, (as far as ministry is concerned) I just shut down. I stopped singing. I stopped writing. I stayed just involved enough to say I was there. Why? I guess because I forgot that I need the ministry God called me to just as much as anyone else. I’m made for encouraging, for lifting people up, for reminding them that God is not through with them and has wonderful plans for their lives. It’s amazing how often I forget that message myself.
*cue the reminder*
Just before Thanksgiving, my youngest daughter came home complaining of pain. She had fallen down in gym class and landed on her knee. Initially, everything seemed okay, but, when it hadn’t subsided two days later, we took her to the doctor to make sure there was no real damage. They did an x-ray and confirmed that everything was fine recommending that we bring her back in another two days should she still be uncomfortable.
Two days passed and she was still consistent in her complaints. We took her back and they suggested we see sports medicine. We met a lovely orthopedic doctor and Taylor giggled every time she heard his slight southern accent. He told me things about my daughter that I already knew – she’s extremely flexible. In fact, almost too flexible. She has more bend than she should and so he confidently diagnosed her with Pain Amplification Syndrome. He explained to me that there had been a soft tissue contusion in her knee, but, that it had since healed. However, because Taylor is so hyper-flexible, often her brain doesn’t get the signal that healing has already taken place and so she still legitimately feels pain because of the injury that was once there.
I once heard a pastor say that you will know someone should preaching if they can find a sermon in anything. I’ve often been accused of having that knack and this was no different. As I was listening to the doctor explain how this was possible, I was thinking of the spiritual connotation of that truth. How often has a Sunday morning sermon stirred us to the alter weeping and praying that God would heal us of a wound that stopped us from reaching our next level? We ask and He answers. But, the next time a similar sermon starts, the tears flow again and we go back again. Again asking for healing for the hurt that’s keeping us bound. Except that He already healed us from that…didn’t He?
I know that I am guilty of this. There are hurts and wounds in my life that have made it harder for me to want to dream or plan or ask or hope or expect anything more than the status quo. I’m normally okay with “give us this day our daily bread”, but, I pretty much leave it at that. To ask for more from God means I’ll eventually have to expect Him to answer. And yet every message on hope pulled me forward. I wanted so badly to be rid of this hurt…at least I thought I did.
My little girl is having a very hard time letting go of her crutches. Her physical therapist, doctors and our family are all trying to encourage her to put more weight on her leg and use her leg because the healing has taken place and it is ready to be used. We understand that the longer she doesn’t use it, the worse the pain will get and the harder it will be. But, she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it! Part of that is fear and part of that is the fact that she’s grown accustomed to this new reality. She doesn’t want to not have her crutches no matter what she might miss out on because of them.
I see so much of myself when I think of that. Sometimes, it is so much scarier to lay down the crutches that have allowed to hurt to continue. It’s scary to walk in the healing you know is there – especially when your heart doesn’t feel it. That’s why I’ve been away for so long. I was holding on to my crutches and crying whenever someone tried to take them from me. I asked for God to heal the hurt inside of me and I firmly believe that He did, but to walk in that healing before I feel that healing? Do I have to?
The answer is, yes. I do have to. Because, that’s what faith is. It’s scary and it’s messy and it’s understanding that you won’t fall over when your feet hit the floor…even if you leave your crutches behind. So, that’s my early New Year’s Resolution. I’ve given my crutches back to my Physician because I understand that, whether I “feel” it or not, I don’t need them anymore. I can walk in this purpose that He’s given me because He will not allow my foot to slip (see Psalm 121:3). Day by day, I’m learning that I walk better and I’m capable of doing more than I thought.
Including remembering to update my blog.